Ways & How

how to deal with defensive people

how to deal with defensive people

Have you ever noticed someone who likes to ask for advice but just ends up justifying his actions? These are defensive people who do not want to be told to change their ways for better results. Instead of giving yourself a hard time with how to deal with defensive people, take it as a form of exercise towards personality skill development to help defensive people, especially loved ones, to relax and realize on their own that they are being defensive. Here are some helpful suggestions:

  1. Defensive people are afraid of being in a shameful position. They will try very hard to explain their actions so as not to be humiliated for their wrongdoings. Acceptance will always elude them because of the fear of being ridiculed. When asked for advice, start explaining that the decision made is not wrong; it’s just a choice, and for every choice there are always circumstances leading up to it.

  2. When you are sensitive enough knowing the fears of a defensive person, you will understand better why they are displaying bizarre actions in dealing with you.

    Never disregard the justifications. Acknowledge that they were right in doing so because they have no other option at that particular moment. Never be judgmental. Instead, offer solutions on how to move forward.

  3. It is difficult to establish a functional and nourishing relationship with a defensive person because it takes two to make communication work. Get down to the root of the problem and give the assurance that the actions made are nothing to be ashamed of. Just don’t have too many expectations that they are responsive to your efforts in giving help. Their own feelings will stay dominant no matter what you do. So don’t blame yourself when you fail in making them realize their defensiveness.

  4. The fear within a defensive person is doubled with the fear of making mistakes and the fear of being blamed for the mistakes made. This will not make logical thinking possible to be processed in their brains. Emotional interactions are too often a result of negative thinking. Unless you take them to the positive light, their defensive actions can never be remedied.

  5. They will never run out of people, things, and circumstances to blame for their failures. This is acceptable for them as long as they don’t bring the blame upon themselves. Better laugh at it and don’t get affected by it. It’s better to have one difficult person in the house than two, including you.

  6. Do not be surprised if their preference is to make bad things become bigger and the nice things not being recognized. This is because their mood does not allow them to pick up the positive energy of love, understanding, and kindness. They are more focused on the fear within and the covering up that they must do so as not to expose their real self. They are definitely insecure people that must be fully understood. If you do not have that capability, protect yourself by not getting involved with any of them.

Despite being kind, you can still be attacked by the defensiveness of the person. This should be the right signal for you to back off gently, at least for the time being. Let the person settle down first and never repeat the topic that made the person so defensive. Move on to other matters if you can tolerate it. How to deal with defensive people needs a lot of gentleness and self-control. You can be firm to stop the discussion but not aggressive when you are close to your limits.


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